DLS...

I started writing on our blog again as a way for me to catalog our journey through this life-changing event.  It is hard to think about but 50 years from now, I know that THIS experience (law school) will be one of the natural divisions of our life - there will be BLS (Before law school) and ALS (After law school).  It is weird to look around and know that these days are going to drastically change our life.  And, I wanted to remember DLS (During law school) clearly, b/c for me, it is one of the times that I have been challenged by God. 

So far, I have had a relatively easy, blessed life.  There has been little calamity in my life.  Granted, I am only 32, and there is still lots of room for calamity and heartache.  But up until now, it has been easy to walk through life on my own self-sufficiency, without having to rely too heavily on the Lord and His grace.  That describes BLS.

But DLS...Let me first say this - I know that we are not in the midst of calamity.  I have dear, close friends who have experienced loss and grief, chaos and heartache so much more acutely than I have.  (Their pain would make this experience seem like an amusement park!)  But, for us, for our family, for me...This experience - moving, leaving everything behind, the financial stress, the grief of losing our close friends, the uncertainty of finding a new church and new friends, and new friends for Cooper and Melody, the stress of parenting single-handedly - all that has been like a smack in the face.  My own self-sufficiency is no longer good enough. 

I am humbled by my own weakness and the way that my "faith" has often crumbled over the last few months.  Sin that I didn't even know lived in my heart has crept up and is rallying for a position in the Neighborhood Owners Association.  And, honestly, I am loving it.

I have never before understood what it meant to "Fully Rely on God" - I have never felt that internal struggle, that conflict between good and evil and I haven't really ever had to give anything over to God.  I mean, I've been challenged before, and there have been times when I have been close to letting God be in charge of my life, but I am such a control monger - I never could completely let go. 

Some might think that I am crazy - why would I want to give up my comfy life for one where every day is a struggle.  And seriously, every day is a struggle.  I just can't describe how good it is to be in God's will and the fulfillment that comes from obeying Him and leaning on Him.  The weight of anxiety, of fear, of stress; the burden of responsibility for everything to go right - all that is off me.  The freedom that comes with trusting Him and knowing His promises to be true - and then, after faith, SEEING Him come through for us, for me.  It is more rewarding than anything I've ever known.

I still fail more than I succeed - I am often back to that old habit of trying to let my self-sufficiency rule the roost.  But, even in my failures, I am rewarded, because once again, God's grace and mercy wash over me. 

When Alex and I were first married, and we were first introduced to Lucas Elliot (the little genius boy) he used to say some food was so good, it was "starving ghelicious" - first of all, he didn't say "delicious", it was "ghelicious", which in itself was adorable.  But the wisdom behind it was that when you were very hungry (starving) all food tasted so much better.  So if something was especially yummy, he described it as starving ghelicious - so yummy, it was almost like you were starving when you ate it.  That is some five year old wisdom...

But the truth is, I can totally see that now.  That is what our life is like now.  God is never greater than when you are desperate for Him.  I'm so thankful, and happy that I am finally desperate enough to see how good He truly is.  I consider it one of the biggest blessings of our lives - that God has called us to this life, and that He trusts us to trust Him.

This is DLS - During Law School - it is hard, every day it is hard.  But so far, it has been THE most rewarding thing I've ever done and I can honestly see God's hand at work in our lives.  My prayer is that God would continue to bless us with a need for Him so great that nothing on earth could fill it, (especially my own self-sufficiency)

Who can satisfy my soul like you? 
Who on earth could comfort me and love me like you do?  
Who could ever be more faithful, true?  
I will trust in you,  I will trust in you, My God.  
Living water rain down your life on me
Cleansing me, refreshing me, with life abundantly.
River full of life, I'll go where you lead.
I will trust in you, I will trust in you, My God.

There is a fountain, who is a stream.  
Victorious Warrior, and Lord of Everything
My rock, my shelter.  My very own.  
Blessed Redeemer who reigns upon the throne!