Does anyone out there sometimes feel like a huge failure at motherhood? Sometimes, it is so easy to spiral out of control into a deep pit of self criticism, cynicism, and hopelessness. It is always brought on by something seemingly innocuous......
Today, it was my 2 1/2 year old saying in the Sprouts parking lot (with glee, might I add!?) "I want to kick that pigeon!" - When I tried to pretend that I didn't just hear one of the red flags of a psychopathic killer (cruelty towards animals) and said "Yes, mommy sees that pigeon!", she repeated herself - wanting me to truly understand what it was that she wanted to do. She didn't just care about seeing that pigeon - she wanted to KICK the pigeon.
Yesterday, it was the voice of my sweet 4 year old boy telling me: "Mommy, today I was very naughty at church, and I had to sit in time out three times". When I asked what he was doing that was so naughty, he said "I was knocking down the toys of the babies." Others may see his admission to me as a good thing, and yes, I am certainly glad that he admitted his wrongdoing, however, on the other hand, doesn't it seem a bit brazen?
As I sit here, listening to the pigeon-kicker wailing about bedtime once again, throwing an awesome and un-relenting fit (all because I didn't sing the particular bedtime song that her royal highness felt like hearing) and the baby tormenter throwing an equally awesome fit, (all because I have only allowed FOUR cars in his bed, instead of the twenty or so he would like to have, so he can race them. Of course, it being bedtime and all never crossed his consciousness or concerned him in any way) ...I wonder if it will ever sink in. Oh, I know, they grow up, yadda yadda ya, but I just wonder if they will ever GET IT.
And tomorrow, I am sure, with the dawning of a new day, I will be filled again with hope and optimism that somehow, by the grace of God (seriously, only by His grace) my kids will grow up to love the Lord and not go around kicking pigeons every time they see one or terrorizing random babies that they meet at church. And tomorrow, I will once again be renewed and refreshed by the Holy Spirit to work at this thankless task of being a mom, of serving, of washing the feet and faces and hands and clothes and floors and dishes and mirrors and bathtubs and toilets of my family. But tonight, tonight, I am doubting. Perhaps I need to feel the hands and feet of Christ to know that it will really be okay. I know that even in my doubt, Christ is there, gently holding me, nudging me back toward hope, toward joy, toward peace, but man, that is a hard step to take - to peacefully let go of your own responsibility to raise your children "right" and to trust the Lord in His guidance of me as a mom and of my kids as people and as His children.
Tonight, with all the pigeon-kicking, fit throwing, toy-knocking down, brazen attitudes, I need to know that the way my kids turn out does not rely on my competence as a mom. I need to know that, but to let go of that reality is so hard. Like two dogs fighting within me - I need to rely on the grace, but to just let go and rely on it....Oh, it is so hard. So here is to all the moms out there of pigeon-kickers and baby-tormentors who have learned to daily rely on grace for their kids to turn out "right". May I learn from you and join your ranks tonight.
Goodnight.
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