On Obedience

I have been wanting to write this post for a LONG time, but haven't had the time to prioritize it.  But, I have been writing it in my head, so hopefully it will come to paper much more quickly than do some of my other heavy posts. And this is a heavy post.  But, I heard a really funny joke, especially funny b/c I imagine Ross Ghellar saying it, so I will insert it at some point in the heaviness.  (Yes, I know that Ross Ghellar is a fictional character but not in my mind.  Let me live in my fantasy world.)

Disclaimer:  I have a number of friends who employ all sorts of parenting styles at either end of the spectrum.  I do not in any way wish to alienate those who do not agree with our style of parenting.  I am simply writing down WHY we do what we do.  Everyone has to choose for themselves what kind of parent they will be.  In that choice, there is inherent judgment.  It doesn't mean that I am "judging" those who do it differently than we do.  I am not walking in their shoes, and I have not lived through their circumstances.  But when you have several options, and you choose one of those options, you are definitely making a judgment.  Everyone does that.  We make several considerations, weigh all the information and experiences that we have and choose what we believe to be the right way.  You can couch it with the phrase "This is right for us" - which in many ways is true, but you are still making a judgment - one thing is better (for you) than another.  That said, that doesn't mean that I hate people who choose differently from me.  Or people who believe that they are doing things a better way.  Especially in parenting, there are so many variables or factors, that there is no ONE way to do things correctly.  I think we've all known kids who had terrible childhoods, complete with absentee or abusive parents, who are now productive members of society and by all measures successful, functional people.  We also know those kids who had loving parents (not perfect parents, there is no such thing!) who still ended up crackheads.  It is silly to think that parenting is an equation:  A + B + C = Successful, well - adjusted adults!  I think that at the very core of this problem is that everyone has different ideas of what a successful, well-adjusted adult looks like.  To some it is a person who is happy.  To others, it is a person who is famous.  To still others, a person who makes a lot of money.  So let me say again - these are OUR family's ideas about successful kids, parenting, etc...and in no way am I attempting to alienate or "hate on" others who do it differently - in my circle and outside of it. 

So here goes:  Obedience gets a bad rep in our culture today.  Parents who desire obedience from their children are often vilified as power-hungry tyrants who care nothing about their children's wants, needs or individual personalities.  We (as a culture) have traded compliance for individualism, respect for having a voice,  submission for creativity.   I think that parents value in their children the things that they see valued around them in the adult world.  An adult is praised for his/her creativity, so this is what that adult values in their child.  (And I am not saying that creativity is bad!!!)  But few adults are praised for their obedience.  This is not what sets them apart from the pack;  In fact, submissive and meek people are often categorized as doormats. This could be one reason that obedience is not highly valued in our children.

We (meaning everyone's on board, here - Mom AND Dad) require obedience in our home.  We don't just require obedience, but we require obedience with a cheerful attitude.  When mommy or daddy tells the children to do something, the expectation is that they will obey right away, all the way, and happily.


We believe that we are all accountable for our actions on earth.  Whether you believe in God or not is pretty irrelevant here.  Of course, we are Christians, so we do believe in God.  But, even people who are not Christians: people of other religions and people of no religion, live in a society where we are accountable.  We are accountable to the police, to our bosses, to our fellow man...Somewhere along the way, obedience, or adherence to a set of rules or code is required for you to live successfully.  On the football field, when a player doesn't obey the rules, there is a penalty. In fact, in any sport (perhaps except for extreme wrestling) there are consequences for breaking the rules.

To us, not only are we accountable to these earthly authority figures, but we are also accountable to God.  We believe that in order to live the happiest lives possible, we need to follow God's rules.  Not the law that was set down in the Old Testament, but the new covenant that Christ set for us with His sacrificial love.  And we certainly don't depend on following the rules for our salvation, but we believe that God gave us these rules (really only two - love God and love others) because He loves us so deeply and truly desires the best life for us. 

Think about it:  You don't tell kids not to run in the street in order to stifle their freedom and curiosity.  You tell them not to run in the street because you know the possible risks associated with running in the street.  You have the maturity and foresight to see that the way for them to be the happiest they can be is to not be hit by a car.  You can't EXPLAIN that to a two-year old.  All they see is a wide open space, perfect for ball-bouncing, or tag, or whatever.  I think that this perfectly describes God's loving care over us, and why He asks us to obey Him.  He wants us to trust His provision and plan for us.  He sees more than we can see.  We don't always have to understand why we are to be obedient.  Trust me, if my two-year old is sitting down in the middle of a busy intersection, I am not going to take the time to explain to her at that very moment the danger and risk she is inviting into her young life!  Nor am I simply waiting around for an opportunity to show her my power and strength when I snatch her out of that street.  I am simply doing everything I can to protect her and keep her safe.  So, one thing that we are trying to pass on to our kids is that obedience is a sign of trust.  Trust that we love them and have their best interests at heart. Just like God loves us and has our best interests at heart! 

We also want our kids to learn to obey us, because we believe that our home is a model of the world.  In several areas, we try to model the real world in our home as much as possible:  we want them to understand that when you make bad choices, bad consequences happen.  We try to set boundaries as to how we allow ourselves to be treated - after all, we are PEOPLE first, parents second.  We allow them to work to earn money.  We hope that all these things will equip our children to make good choices, to treat others with love, to understand the value of money and hard work,  but most of all, we pray that through learning obedience to us, our children will understand that all of life is lived under some authority and the best life is one lived obedient to God.  

When we require obedience from our children, is it because we want little robots that do everything we say?  Is it because we are on a power trip?  Anyone who would say yes to these things has not met my kids.  First of all, requiring obedience is often HARDER than not.  It creates far more difficulty for me as a parent when my kids disobey.  (And they do!)  Many times I have been tempted to just let things go.  Especially the little things.  Sometimes, I have to be super-vigilant to even NOTICE when the kids are not being obedient.  And if anyone thinks that I am on a power-trip, they have not seen me on the bad days, when requiring obedience from my children saps me of every ounce of energy and confidence that I have as a mother and a person.  Try spending a day with a two year old and you'll see what I mean.  There is no power trip happening here - often, a hard day will end with more tears and uncertainty by me than any little person in this house.

Do we ever allow our kids to disagree with us?  Of course.  In no way are we trying to break the spirits of our kids.  We yearn for an open relationship with our kids where we can talk about anything and everything - including disagreements and conflict.  We are simply trying to mold their wills into understanding that they don't always see the big picture.  Even as adults, we don't always see the big picture.  When they disagree with us, or want to know why we are asking them to do something, we absolutely invite them to discuss it.  Our only two requirements are that they ask us A) respectfully and B) AFTER they have already obeyed.   Let me allude to the running in the street illustration again.  Certainly, if my two year old wants to know why she should get out of the street, I am happy to have a discussion with her about safety.  That is a teachable moment!!!  But we will not be having that conversation in the middle of the street while a Mack Truck is bearing down on us!     

Do we mess up as parents?  YES, A LOT!!!  Are we sometimes angry, or unloving?  Of course!  We do try to apologize to our kids, whenever we have done something hurtful, or unkind, or unloving.  I'm thinking of something I said in particular just this last week.  Hurtful words were spoken out of rash anger, instead of loving correction, and I immediately regretted it.  It gave me the opportunity to apologize to my son and for us to have a good discussion about sin, anger, and the power of our words.  While I am still truly beating myself up for it, I also know that this was a good lesson for my son about humility, anger, etc....It was good for him to see me mess up and great for him to see me apologize. 

So what is success?  Our definition of success is probably very different than the rest of the world.  (which would explain why we value obedience so much!)  We do not define success by our finances, by our fame, or even by our own happiness. These things are fleeting at best, and in the worst scenarios, can wreak havoc in a person's  life.  We define success by how obedient we are to God's plan for our lives.  Even in our current situation, I can honestly say, we have more joy than we've ever experienced in our lives.  This really doesn't make sense.  We were once financially stable, and now, we live month-to-month.  We once had a very close-knit circle of friends around us, now I battle with loneliness all the time.  By our culture's standard, we went down a notch in our success.  But, because we know (beyond a shadow of a doubt) that we are following God's call on our lives - we are OBEYING His will - we consider our lives very successful.  Our marriage, our family and most of all, our faith are all thriving.   There is peace, hope, and love in this home.  To me, that is success.  And that is what we hope and pray over our children.  Not success by the culture's standard, but the deep abiding joy, peace, hope and love that comes from obedience to God. 


Oh, my joke!!!  I almost forgot!  Okay, here goes:

Knock - knock

Who's There?

To

To Who?

To WHOM! 

Hee, hee - I saw that on a grammar joke board on Pinterest.  So, I guess maybe success also has something to do with good grammar...(I'm sure that I am just inviting several comments here about my terrible grammar!)